Ruminations on VWP*

In ruminating on VWP, I have been having some trouble distinguishing between them, Rednecks and Whiskey Tangos. VWP are very rarely, if ever, WT. They can be Rednecks. Rednecks can be WT or VWP. So bear with me, OK?

Parts of this are likely to be extremely offensive to various and sundry segments of the population. I warned you that there may be offensive material here and if you get offended? You were warned.

There are some things that are particularly VWP.

One would be sun visors. You know, those little doohickeys that aren't caps but shade your eyes? They are especially VW if they have catchy little slogans printed on them. "I brake for garbage sales" or something like that. They come in all kinds of materials and colors. Some are so huge they look like the wearer has a flying saucer embedded in their head. This would be a good example of that:


VWP wear these catchy little items all over the place. They are common as fleas on a rabbit on golf courses. They also come equipped with a snappy little option that will hold your expensive sunglasses for you.

Another thing VWP like is exclusivity. While admitting that the desire to belong is a common human trait, demonstrated to various degrees amongst people, VWP seem to take the idea to extremes. VWP have Their Group. That's it. They don't associate with anyone that isn't in that exclusive club.** One example would be: the Group getting blasted and behaving stupidly, whether on the golf course or at someone's party, is Just Having Fun. If anyone outside the group does something dumb like that, tsk tsk tsk. It doesn't seem to have occurred to them for a moment that they're as dumb as anyone else. (I suppose this could be called hypocrisy. Or just plain moronic.)

Female VWP of a "certain age" can be identified by blouses. With flowers of one description or another, most likely pastel. They can be distinguished from Rednecks and WT because they don't have glitter, sequins or puffy paint on their blouses. Chances are, if you are so unlucky to be asked into an older VWF's home, there will be copies of McCalls, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Family Circle or one of the other totally useless publications designed to entertain people who are interested in why whats-er-name stayed married to the sportscaster after he cheated on her. Or 500 ways to bore your family stiff with ground beef. Or decorating hints. If it's National Enquirer, Nascar Today or a tabloid, that isn't a VWF you've snagged, it's either a Redneck or WT.

VWP of a VR persuasion can be identified instantly by those Xi fishes on their vehicles. I have NEVER seen anyone that isn't VW with one. Ever.***
$ As a small protest about that sort of thing, I installed a bonefish on my car. Cute little fellow but I doubt any of the folks with the Other fish have the slightest clue what it stands for. As a sidelight, my observation is that the worst drivers on the road have Xi fish on their vehicles. Honest.

Another thing VWP like is a combination of golf and country clubs. The c.c. bit has a large proportion of the exclusivity thing going for it, as does golf. The two in combination are the epitome of VWP. VWP, if you get me. Not everyone who golfs is VW, nor is everyone who belongs to a country club VW. I suppose I could give my bona fides about this because most of my father's family are VWP. Outer limits VWP. It's odd to me that golf has attained some aura of exclusivity because, up to recently, it was almost as nerdy as science fairs or math contests. I golfed for years but don't anymore. Having all those VWP running about on the course is distracting. You can count on me quitting doing something when it becomes trendy.

Glossy catalogs are another thing VWP like, seemingly obsessively. Enter most any VWP home and there, in all it's glory on the coffee table, will be an L.L. Bean catalog or something similar. Eddie Bauer seems to have fallen out of favor, though, probably because the clothing is actually practical. REI isn't a big item, either. I suspect that's because most REI products have nothing to do with golf and everything to do with actual physical exercise.

Coffee table books are also a big item. The thing with those tomes is that 99% of them are totally useless. Unless you need something heavy to hold the table down in a gale. I have my doubts about VWP people with coffee table books. Do they actually read them? Having coffee table books is rather like collecting crystal animals. What do you do with the things except dust them?

VWP like uniforms. Not military-type uniforms or whatall but uniforms that allow them to tell other VWP from the Rabble. On surveying any given group of VWP, you will notice a similarity of dress. If they didn't dress alike, how could they tell they are VWP? How could other VWP recognize them? Bermuda shorts are quite popular even though most people look like total idiots in them. Cute little layered tops and shells seem to be de rigeur with VWF. Madras, short-sleeved shirts and khakis for the Male Contingent. And loafers. Any Male wearing a madras shirt and khakis who doesn't have loafers on (while not on the golf course) is an imposter. An Imposter of the First Water. Note: Any female who would, at first glance, appear to be a VWF but wearing stretch pants is a WT is disguise. (I have been notified by an informant from a notoriously VWP infestation that loafers with tassels are a good thing. Wow. Who'd a thunk?)

VWP also are obsessively attached to church. Doesn't matter at all what denomination, either. I would surmise the greatest number of church-going VWP are either Protestant or Catholic.**** I am not sure why the majority of them go, other than it is the Accepted Thing to Do. In my opinion, doing something because it's the accepted thing to do isn't a good enough reason to do it. It's impossible to tell VWP apart from anyone else by their sense of decency and honor. Church services, church volunteerism, church circles, Vacation Bible Schools, this, that and the other. And, rearing it's ugly head yet again, cooking hot dogs for Jesus. I just am having trouble getting past that one. Honest. I suppose I would attend a church if I had the slightest sense that I needed to be forgiven for something and thought that going to church would do that but I wouldn't go Just Because It's the Thing to Do. Pish tosh to that. I object strenuously to religion for the simple fact that it's too damned easy. Nothing is that easy but VWP must find some comfort in knowing that they have Done the Right Thing. Whatever that may be. When someone finds out, let me know.

More clothing and accessory thoughts... those white pants. Now, really, folks, get a grip! And monstrous, oversize purses. When I had little kids I always had a giant purse but it carried diapers and suchlike. VWP who need to carry infant equipment are likely to have a monstrously ugly diaper bag by some Yuppie designer. More often than not, the giant purses are in some unnatural print that is supposed to resemble zebra. More often than that the print doesn't resemble zebra as much as it does mangy cat fur or skunk pancake a la roadkill. Then there are the vinyl ones. The shiny, slickery vinyl ones. All I can say about that is, mercy. (If you see a seemingly VWF in public who has lamé, gold or otherwise, anywhere about her person, it's another WT. That applies to animal prints anywhere other than a purse.)

At the extreme far end of the spectrum from the purse-thing would be VWF's fondness for fanny packs. Not usually seen on Young VWP, though. Mostly Older VWP. (Folks, you know, with asses that size you shouldn't be drawing attention to them.) I suppose that those packs are handy for carrying incidentals and what not and phones? I have one but don't wear the thing, it's slung over my shoulder. I did wear it one day and a creeping feeling of dorkiness began overtaking my consciousness to the extent that I actually attended a tasting at a VWP artisanal winery. If you know me, that's pretty bad. After regaining my senses, I was embarrassed.

VWP are obsessed with the appearance of youth. How many people other than VWP do you know that have injected a deadly neuromuscular poison into various parts of their anatomy to rid themselves of wrinkles. Hm? How many? Yes, chilluns, we's speakin' of Botox. God save the Queen but that's just stooopud. VWF and VWM seem to think it's a good idea, though. They're nuts. Cosmetic plastic surgery come to mind, as well. Folks, you weren't swans in the first place, get over it. Giving yourself stiff faces and/or overinflated lips is way off the scale as far as sensible behavior is concerned.

There is also the matter of VWP's kids. Can anyone explain to me why they all look alike? They wear the same clothes and have the same dazed expressions, when they aren't being rotten brats, that is. Maybe it's the Ritalin? Or the sheer boredom of life as a VWP? I suppose this is a manifestation of the exclusivity thing or uniforms? VWP tend to buy their children weird stuff, too. Who in their right mind will get a 16 year old male a brand new Jaguar? Honestly! Who would? Well, who but a VWP with a lot of cash to throw around.

Something that balances on the line between VWP and Redneck is gospel music. Particularly country gospel music. This is kind of a swing vote. All I can say is, in my opinion, it all sounds just alike to me. It also gives me the creeps.***** eeeewwwwwwww. I'll take Handel, Bach or Beethoven, if I'm going to listen to religious music it's gonna have some actual merit as music. For a VWP, this probably would go along with church attendance. For rednecks, who knows? Maybe they like country music of any kind. Voting is now open. What do you think?

Another VWP tendency is really, really awful food. I don't know what the deal is but you can tell at a potluck or an open house or party which piece of uck the VWP brought. After some consideration, this may have a lot to do with making recipes from places like Redbook and so forth. A year or so back, I was invited to bring hors d'oeuvres to an open house honoring a new business in town. Not a problem although I will admit to stressing a bit about the whole exercise. I strolled in with my Thai bites and dipping sauce, crab-stuffed mushroom, roasted red pepper stuffed mushrooms and a couple of other things I don't currently remember and was confronted with a table overflowing with unidentifiable "foodstuffs." Seriously. I am not, to this very day, sure what those weird, pasty white rolls with some sort of meat-like filling were. Did the cook forget to bake them? Were they supposed to be that color? (If I did something like that, friends all over the globe, dynamite cooks and professional chefs alike, would know instantly without being told. Then I'd catch hell, for sure.) Now, honestly? You don't have to really be "into" cooking to present tasty food. All it takes is some intelligent thought. Green gelatin molds with sliced olives which strongly resemble boiled eyeballs is not intelligent. Those nachos were moderately intelligent. The VWF who brought them at least gave it the old college try. She may have been banned from the Sisterhood, though, for that breach in etiquette. I hope to be spared grilling parties hosted by VWP. I don't for the life of me understand why every piece of meat coming off the grill must be done to the point of whang-leather. Maybe it's all that horrible food-borne disease they're worrying about? (Nobody lives forever, people, get over it.) Personally, I have a hard time getting very enthusiastic about potato salad with sweet hot dog relish in it. Save the relish for the Church Hot Dog Festival and leave the tater salad alone.

As long as I'm thinking about food-borne illnesses... VWP, not withstanding the token not-white-VWF on commercials, have a fixation on various disease-causing bugs. Salmonella from raw chicken. Viruses on door handles. Microscopic vermin infesting your w.c. If you don't get sick from all those pathogens you can be sure you're getting sick from the chemicals you're spraying around.

Air fresheners of one sort or another are a popular item, too. God knows what VWP's homes smell like without the wafting odor of various chemicals that don't smell anything like cherries or roses or whatall.

Something that VWF seems to like is home parties of one sort or another. Home decorating or cooking or something... I am unclear whether this is a high-level Redneck thing or a lower-level VWP thing. I have been foolish enough to attend one or more of those things and I can attest, from a non-VWF standpoint, that the stuff offered is just hideous. Hideous in an eye-blasting, consciousness-wresting way. I, for one, have a really tough time becoming enthused about spending money on matching plastic sconce-things. Another alternative would be prints of charming old-timey scenes. Or flowers. Or butterflies. Or wide-eyed tykes, who look a lot like the VWP's overmedicated charming tots. Having never been invited to a Pampered Chef party, I can't say anything about that but a Longaberger party isn't too bad. As long as you can get past the stupid, cutesy things that seem to be gaining in popularity. My contention is that anyone who hasn't got enough sense to refrain from putting that trash up on public display should not be allowed out in public. They are likely to be a hazard to themselves and others. One type of home party no self-respecting VWF would attend for love nor money would be one of those sex-toy parties.****** The poor creatures stammer and stutter at admitting to attendance at a lingerie party let alone one where there are, *gasp*, sex toys right out there for God and the world to see. I've been to couple of those and they're one hell of a lot of fun. Am I embarrassed? Nope. Wasn't embarrassed to go, either. But then, I'm not a VWF.











* If you don't know what that is, you haven't been following along.
** Strangely enough, the mores and social expectations of Their Group are very reminiscent of high school.
*** You, gentle reader, may have. I haven't. Honest.
$ If you like the pirate fish, you can get one here: Ring of Fire They're really nice people and took my suggestion about putting bonefish on flags. Cool.
**** Pardon me for saying this, really, but I strongly suspect that the protty/cath thing has to do with cluelessness and Manifest Destiny. I don't see a whole lot of Jews, for instance, of any persuasion going through life as VWP.
***** My new doctor has an excessively perky receptionist who, in and of herself, is hideously annoying. What takes the cake is that she plays country gospel cd's in the waiting room of the office. If I wanted to listen to that dreck and see someone grinning like a nutjob, I'd go to church. Preferably one in an asylum.
****** I had a good friend who was an agent for the Passion Party franchise. She was telling me about inviting the Nice VWF from town who owned the flower shop. It struck the agent as odd that the Nice VWF blanched when invited to a sex toy party. In truth, she was a Very Nice VWF but, still... perhaps she thought that my friend was attempting a clumsy conversion to some type of sexual perversion? I don't know but she missed a really good party.