Helicopter parents

No thank you. Once the kids are out on their own we will continue to be available for them but they must learn to live their own lives without interference from us. It's hard to step back and watch them fall, fail and hurt but, if they are rescued all the time they won't learn to stand on their own.

"The first year will be a testing ground for developing new ways of being a part of your child’s life. Many parents seek to maintain as close a relationship as possible, and this can be good (or not so good) for you both. With cell phones, text messaging and e-mails, regular unintrusive contact is possible, but it can be carried to an extreme. These are known as “cellular leashes” held by “helicopter parents,” in which parents demand that their children call every day (or even more often) and monitor their child’s every move.

While there are no clear statistics on how many “helicopter parents” there are these days, it’s likely that many mothers are challenged by finding appropriate ways to be involved in their children’s life in the transition year. The National Survey of Student Engagement recently reported that 86% of first-year college students were in “frequent contact” with their mother, and 71% communicated frequently with their fathers. While parental involvement was shown to enrich a student’s college experience, too much involvement is not a good thing. Parents should know that the same report concluded that college students with higher levels of parental involvement had significantly lower grades.

How much is too much? Becoming a “coach on the sideline” seems a better metaphor for this time in order to mentor, and not meddle. After a few days or weeks, you might even start to feel a delicious sense of relief at not having to parent 24/7!"

It's vitally important to be able to discern between growing pains and real trouble. Too many parents have looked at their children through the lens of their own needs and desires, leaving little room for the child to develop their own sense of self. A child who has been forced, pushed, into being an athlete, a scholar, a musician, an artist, has had few opportunities to roam the frontiers of their own talents. How can we expect a child, confined inside his parents' lens, to be able to stand on their own?

That also leaves little room for the parent to be able to step back and see their offspring as separate human beings, with wants, needs, emotions, of their own. A parent who has spent the years of their child's life projecting their expectations on that child will have a very difficult time separating themselves from the child, mentally and emotionally. Keeping the apron strings tied tightly ultimately will lead to rebellion or an adult who can't function independently of the parent.*

We want our crew to be fully functioning adults, able and willing to stand on their own, support themselves and make their own decisions. They are individuals, as different from us as they are from each other. That we intend to respect.

* I know someone like that.