ROFL

This next one gets me laughing so hard I always have tears running down my cheeks!




Then there's the frog legs...



The loobstur:



Another fish course:



Meatballs!



Spaghetti!



A soup course:



Fowl:



Breakfast selection for your perusal:



How about some dessert?



Some speecy-spicy chili juice?



Salad shooters...

This is just what I thought

all those years ago when expected to "volunteer" for a bazillion activities in the classroom.



"borrowed" from Funny Times. Thanks for the heads-up, Leslie!

ROFLMSAO

This is the kind of thing you don't find in U.S. newspapers...

from the Manchester Guardian.

Male Grooming memo

not kid-friendly, really, and possibly unsuitable for the office. Beware.

I think it's damned funny, in that rather backhanded British manner, though.

9 WORDS OR PHRASES WOMEN USE

(i stole this... LOL)

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up..

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying @!#$ YOU!!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Army Life

This was sent to me by DD who is an Army vet. It was originally written about Australian army life but applies worldwide.

"

FIELD LIFE (life on exercise in the bush simulating war)
Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in those two weeks to shower. Dig a hole in your back yard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come buy, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and mark it with a "Foul Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking. Dig in that exact space in 1 month's time.

Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquito’s. Pour them down the back of your shirt.

Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and have your neighbour give you one per day until they all go rotten and have to be thrown out. Watch your neighbour eat as many as he wants, because he's on a “non-tactical” exercise.

If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers.

If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day, even though there's nothing to do.

Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are. Even though there's nothing to do.

Cook your meals in your shaving mug. Eat everything cold. Buy food with instructions in Yiddish, so it never turns out how it should.

Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, sit around for two hours, glad you ate everything in 3 minutes.

Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters -- or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer to gain the same effect.

For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometres without stopping. Wear a poorly fitting back pack with fifty-five kg of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale. Alternatively, put grated carrot, pineapple and tomato on everything so your bread runs down your arm like a liquid.

Have one meal a week served to you floating in its own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.


GARRISON LIFE (life in the Barracks)
Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one ceremonial uniform and wear it for 20 minutes on the whim of some crusty old guy who yells at you.

Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, have somebody tell you that you're not entitled to it. Walk away without recourse.

Whenever you're bored, get drunk. (Be bored often)

Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together, even though it hasn't been used.

Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job "easier". Say "yes sir" and do it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way.

Repaint your vehicle every month, whether it needs it or not.

Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years. When you get to a place you really love, pack up and move again within 6 months (or less)

Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning.


TRAINING ENVIRONMENT (learning establishments like recruit training and promotion courses)
Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Run. Run a lot. Run once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper.

Run at least five kilometres each time, pretending you really want to do this because you want to appear 'hard'.

Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $650.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go to the bathroom, shower, eat and march with a pack on in your free time.

Have somebody yell at you every time you're stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don't taste the food.

Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), Have the same person inspect it and say "good turnout".


INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS (pretty self explanatory)
Leave the people behind who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid (it happens a lot) shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f......g civvies".

Use copious amounts of acronyms, NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f......g civvies".

Have other people say ridiculously stupid things to you like: "you don't pay taxes, do you?", "you get free housing", "man, you must get paid a lot". Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f......g civvies".

*ROFL, I have been a civvie for sometime now and I still say "f**king civvies" under my breath on a regular basis!*"

Funnies from P.J. O'Rourke

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

The Belle is in fine form today...

Celia Rivenbark's latest

I just love that woman.



"uglier than a bucket of armpits.."

ROFLMSAO

ROFL

Another priceless entry in the Redneck Hall of Fame.