Dear Fashion Mavens,

I am sorry. I know you are doing your utmost to assure my wardrobe is stylish and upbeat. You have a hard job, to be sure. There are so many of us out here, dressing badly, that you must despair on a regular basis.

I must say, though, that regardless of new trends or old trends coming back, I will not wear metallics. You think I look bad now? Just put me in gold lame. I'd look like the antenna on the space station only not so sleek.

Then there are animal prints, faux though they may be. I don't care if it is a knee-length leopard-motif silk-charmeuse dress, lynx-like satin, pony hair (pony hair?), zebra print scarf... I just don't care. I simply will not wear that stuff. I was in high school in the early 70s when animal prints were all the rage and had a furry suit-thing that looked more like a holstein dairy cow than a leopard. I'm embarrassed about it to this day.

I certainly am not going to purchase, let alone wear, a baby-doll dress. Maybe if I were 18, sure. Not now. I'd look like Miss Piggy in pajamas. There won't be any spike helled additions to my shoe closet in the future, either, not boots, ankle boots or anything else. I can fall off my Keen sandals and don't want to think of what would happen wobbling around on spikes.

Then there are the patent leather bits and pieces. There, again, been there, done that, won't do it any more. I just object to the look of patent leather. Doesn't matter what color it is, I just don't like it. I have leather purses, for instance, but they're just nice leather, even if one of them is red.

The idea of your advising the populace to combine all those things just gives me the willies. Going out and about is bad enough but being in herds of fashionistas wearing combinations of lame, animal prints, patent leather and so forth just makes me feel faint.

So, thank you. I truly do appreciate your efforts on my behalf but I think I will stick with my jeans, t-shirts and tennies. I might not fit in on Madison Avenue but when have I ever?