A consensus has been met. All parties in authority (Himself and I) have decided to step back, raise our hands and tell SS that he is now on his own. We will continue to feed him, provide a roof over his head and make sure he gets school-stuff taken care of and medical care. Other than that? It's his responsibility. We have come to this conclusion for the following reasons:
- It has become clear over the last week that SS is not paying any attention to anything. Hence, since he insists he is an adult and can mind his own business, he will.
- Since he has blown every cent of every paycheck this summer, we will not loan him money for That Car. We will not pay to fix it. We will not loan him funds for gas. Nobody here will give him funds for anything. We will not pay insurance. It's his vehicle, he insisted on having it and now it's all his problem.
- He blew off the tasks his teacher gave him to finish before school. Totally and completely blew them off. So, since he didn't think it important enough to check into the Regent's admission standards, testing that would be vital or a cumulative GPA or what classes he would need even if he goes to junior college and believes that the school (or we) should be taking care of all this for him... he's on his own.
- He wants everything both ways. Wants to be let loose to take care of himself but, at the same time, has no idea how to do that and has demonstrated time after time after time that he can't. OK. Since you insist that you are an adult, here's your life. You can't have it both ways so you will have it your way. You have left us no other choice. Live with it.
This may seem harsh but we have no other recourse. The stress of having him listen to you and knowing it is not getting through, or his mind is elsewhere, is too much. Knowing that he doesn't think anyone knows anything except he and his little friends doesn't lead to good interpersonal relations, either.
To top it off, the whole situation has caused tremendous stress between Himself and me. We're coming up on our 14th anniversary the 7th of September and, although we have come through some horribly hard times together, this last year has almost destroyed our relationship. We will not allow that to happen. Speaking earlier, we agreed that we both know, once the kids are grown and gone, it will be just us. We must protect that, even if one or more of the kids has to learn terribly hard lessons. Yes, it sounds selfish but think about it... these guys are not 5 years old. The 2 youngest will be 18 this year and we can't be coddling them. They will need to come up against the fact that the world will chew them up and spit them out and doesn't give a damn. That's all.
One of them is already coming to the conclusion that he has totally wasted the last 3 years of school and now is under the gun. He has been forced to carry a very heavy load of academics. This will require, not just study hall and free time in school, but he will need to bring home and concentrate on economics, ecology, psychology, sociology and so forth. It will be a struggle for him but he must remember that it is up to him. The only person that can bail him out will be himself. His teachers will help, we will help as we can, but it isn't primarily our responsibility. If he doesn't want to go to work at a packing house or work at a big box store and live under a bridge, he needs to get with the program and stay with the program.
This is one of the hardest things we have had to do. In actuality, it is the very hardest. To have to take action which is, to all intents and purposes, like dropping them off a bridge to fly or not...
Parenting sucks sometimes when the only, and best thing, to do is just step back.
Grant us strength, any powers that be, we will need them.
2 comments:
it's not harsh at all. it's what needs to be done until he realises that being an adult is way more than coming and going as he pleases, doing what he wants, etc. just keep it together (you and himself) and stay strong - and don't let him manipulate you into changing your stance. i can site a real-life example where parents took this stance then backed down. i'm not the biggest fan of these two people but do have to admit i feel sorry for them and what they let the situation evolve into. hugs...eileen
Will have to stay in close contact with Himself, for sure. SS has a way of wiggling his way around things with him, even though it doesn't work on me or anyone else here. He will need my support and understanding because all he has ever wanted was to get to know his son, who happens to be the only child he will ever have.
Besides that, I spoke at length with DS2 about all of this. I explained what the issues are, why we must handle it this way and requested his assistance in not bailing his stepbrother out. (He had already figured out that something like this was imminent. LOL) You can bet that he will call me on anything he sees or hears that he considers backing down. (If nothing else, he is outspoken and observant.)
There are a few other people I will need to speak to about this and request their respect for our stance. They all are good friends and know just what has been happening. They will understand and back us up. They wouldn't be friends if we couldn't count on them.
hugs right back at ya'...
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